Opinions. Funny aren't they? It can determine what you do or not do. Sometimes that could be good. Like a child that doesn't go through the "rebellion" stage for the fear of opinions or disappointment. But most of the time, this is not good. I, for one, have been known to make a decision based on what I "assume" others think I should do or how I will be judged, instead of following my heart.
This came to a head when the twins were born. I had THREE major decisions to make all at once. All three of which were extremely important. I was frozen in my decision. Chris was extremely supportive. He had his opinion, but he also supported me in whatever I decided regardless.
In 2010, Aubrey and Addyson were to born in the late fall. Colton turned 5 and was MORE than ready to begin Kindergarten. Carmyn turned 3 and now qualified for "Developmental" Preschool with the county. I can send both of my kids to school and stay home to get to know my sweet little girls. Sounds SO easy right??? BUT, that is not what I really want to do. My heart wants to Home School. But what will people think of me? Home with a Kindergartner with a 3 year old disabled child and twin newborns at home. Sounds a little crazy?!?!?! No one would blame me for sending Colton and Carmyn. In fact, everyone would expect me to. During the time I "toyed" with my choices, I would often be told, "I don't know how you can do it?" or " I am glad I am not you." I also heard, "This is just a season. You can do it this year and pull them out next year." OH THE PRESSURE!!!! Oh, the thought that someone thinks I am letting them down or God forbid MY OWN KIDS down killed me. I seriously had to fall on my knees and pray. Pray what to do and then strength to follow through without guilt, shame or care of judgement.
So far my choices were to send Colton to Kindergarten or Home School? Send Carmyn to Developmental Preschool or keep her home. Then my third choice was to take a break from therapies. While that sounds like an easy answer, it was not. Carmyn had been in 3-5 therapies a week since she was 9 months old. For over two years, I had become accustom to running the roads. And furthermore, I hadn't come to the place yet where I truly released Carmyn into God's hands. "I" was still trying to
Why were these decisions difficult to make? Opinions drove them all!! What will they think of me??? What will they think of my choices??? Who exactly is "they"?? Good question. Everyone! Anyone! Family of all kinds. Mine and Chris' both immediate and distant, former co-workers, friends, therapist, doctors, and strangers. I feared all opinions. I feared I was letting someone down. I feared someone just might think I am not giving all my children the best. I feared people would think I am a nut and off my rocker. What does it matter??? Some of these people I never see. Some of these people I see only once a year. So, why should it matter??? That is what I had to wrestle with. What does it matter?
During this time, I had two very important people on my side praying me through this. Two of my biggest supports from day one and are still today. Two of my biggest prayer warriors. My husband Chris and Sister~ In~ Law Tausha. My rocks. They let me cry, let me anguish and let me vent. One of the key verses that helped me through this time came from Tausha.
Fear of human opinion disables,
Trusting in God will keep you from that.
I had to cling to that scripture, that promise, daily for months and months.With prayers and keeping that truth close to my heart, I decided to give therapy a break, keep Carmyn home and start teaching Colton Kindergarten. I have never looked back, nor regretted those choices. If I would had made all three of those choices based on fear, I would not be writing this blog. I would not have come face to face with trust in God and God alone. I would still be making decisions based on fear.
Today, I still fear opinions, but I am getting stronger. I worry less. I don't shout to the world, I HOME SCHOOL!! I am one those nuts!!! ( I don't think home schooling is nutty at all btw!!!!!!) But I do and I am very proud of Colton and our accomplishments. I can't make everyone happy. I can't make everyone understand. Many people may think I am weird, crazy, odd.....and that is okay. Because at the end of the day, my four walls and those within are EXTREMELY happy. We are not just "surviving", we are thriving.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to his power that is at work within us,
I am learning to lean on Him and not man to fill me up!!